The pressure to be “good parents”: where does it come from?

A recent historical and cultural construction

Contrary to what one might assume, the idea that there is a precise and standardized way to be good parents is relatively recent. For centuries, children were raised collectively, integrated early into adult life, and the notion of childhood as a period requiring intensive pedagogical attention simply did not exist in its current form. It was only in the twentieth century, with the rise of developmental psychology, modern pediatrics, and mass education, that parenting became a “project” complete with objectives, methods, and performance benchmarks.

This evolution brought remarkable advances: a deeper understanding of children’s needs, recognition of the importance of the early years of life, and a significant decline in corporal punishment. But it also generated something more ambiguous: a total responsibilization of parents — and especially mothers — for every aspect of their child’s development and flourishing. As a result, every behavior a child displays becomes a mirror of parental competence, and every difficulty a potential source of guilt.

Social media and the era of perfect parenting

Social media has added an unprecedented dimension to this pressure. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Facebook parenting groups offer a never-ending stream of smiling families, lovingly prepared balanced meals, carefully decorated nurseries, and cleverly orchestrated educational activities. What you never see, of course, is the meltdown that happened right before the photo was taken, the cereal-for-dinner night because nobody had the energy to cook, or the tears shed in the bathroom after an exhausting day.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that intensive social media use is correlated with decreased self-esteem and heightened feelings of inadequacy, particularly among young parents. The mechanism is simple yet powerful: we inevitably compare our chaotic daily lives to the carefully curated highlight reels others choose to share. It is not a fair comparison, and yet it profoundly shapes how we evaluate ourselves as parents.

Add to this the parenting influencers who, with the best of intentions, promote specific methods as the only true path to a child’s well-being: positive parenting, attachment parenting, the Montessori method, the no-cry sleep solution… Each of these approaches has genuine merit, but the implication that you must choose one and follow it precisely in order to be good parents creates additional pressure that most families simply do not need.

When information becomes a source of anxiety

We have never had so much access to information about child development, nutrition, sleep, cognitive stimulation, play-based learning, and developmental red flags to watch for. This is an extraordinary privilege. But this overabundance of information can also become a trap: the more you know, the more aware you become of what you are not doing, or what you are doing “wrong.”

A parent today is simultaneously exposed to recommendations for bed-sharing and warnings about its risks, to studies praising educational screen time and others condemning it, to advocates of strict routines and defenders of full-time attachment parenting. Faced with these contradictory messages, the temptation is to search for THE right answer, the perfect parent-model to emulate. But this quest is not only exhausting — it diverts attention away from what truly matters: your specific child, with their unique temperament and particular needs, and you, with your own history, your resources, and your love.

The paradox of hyper-parenting

Researchers have even given a name to a phenomenon that emerged in the 2000s: hyper-parenting, or “intensive parenting.” It describes a form of parenting where parents, driven by the genuine desire to give their child the very best, end up emotionally and temporally over-investing in every single aspect of their child’s development. The paradoxical consequences of this approach are numerous: heightened parental burnout, chronic anxiety, and sometimes children who develop less autonomy and frustration tolerance precisely because they were never given the space to build these skills on their own.

What children truly need: science coming to parents’ rescue

Attachment theory revisited

Attachment theory, developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s and enriched by decades of subsequent research, is one of the most valuable contributions of developmental psychology to parenting. Its core message is essentially this: in order to develop in a healthy way — emotionally, cognitively, and socially — a child needs at least one stable, consistent, and caring relationship with a primary caregiver.

Notice that this definition does not mention perfection. It speaks of stability, consistency, and warmth. A parent who makes mistakes, who sometimes loses their temper, who doesn’t always read their child’s cues correctly, but who is generally present, emotionally available, and willing to repair misunderstandings: this parent builds a secure attachment. Mary Ainsworth’s pioneering research on attachment patterns showed that the vast majority of parents, even imperfect ones, raise children with secure or sufficiently secure attachment to function well in life.

Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough parent”

Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst of the twentieth century, introduced a concept that should be taught to every expectant parent: the “good enough mother” (later broadened to “good enough parent” to include all caregivers). This notion is at once simple and revolutionary.

Winnicott observed that children do not need perfect parenting to develop in a healthy way. They need good enough parenting — that is, a parent who meets their child’s essential needs most of the time, who is broadly available and attentive, and who tolerates their own imperfections without falling apart. In fact, small frustrations and imperfect adjustments are a natural part of healthy development: they teach the child that the world does not always perfectly align with their wishes, and they strengthen the child’s capacity to tolerate uncertainty and adapt to reality.

Even more striking: subsequent research has shown that parents who relentlessly pursue parenting perfection tend to generate greater anxiety in their children, precisely because they leave no room for the child to experience the small difficulties of everyday life. A scraped knee treated with love teaches a child more than a knee that was never scraped because every fall was anticipated and prevented.

Research on resilience and parenting mistakes

Research on resilience offers an essential complementary perspective. Resilience is the ability to navigate adversity and recover from it. Researchers who have studied this topic since the 1970s — including Emmy Werner, whose longitudinal studies have become landmark references — identified the factors that enable children to build robust resilience. And these factors are surprisingly accessible.

Among the most important: the presence of at least one warm, stable, loving relationship; a gradually developing sense of personal competence and self-efficacy; and an environment that provides structure and consistency without being rigid or punitive. These elements do not require specialized parenting expertise. They require love, presence, and consistency — qualities the vast majority of parents naturally possess.

Research also shows that parenting mistakes, when followed by relational repair (acknowledging what happened, apologizing, trying a different approach), paradoxically strengthen a child’s resilience. The child learns that ruptures can be mended, that relationships survive conflict, and that adults also make mistakes and take responsibility for correcting them. This is an invaluable life lesson that cannot be taught any other way.

What children actually remember

Years of research on autobiographical memory and emotional development converge on a striking observation: children do not primarily remember the moments when their parents were at their best. They remember the tone of a voice at bedtime, the warmth of a hug after an argument, the way their parent responded when they were frightened. These micro-moments of shared humanity are what build the feeling of being loved and safe in the world. You are probably offering dozens of them every single day without even noticing.

To explore further how the parent-child bond is built through everyday life, you might enjoy our article on baby sleep routines — one of those privileged moments where the quality of your presence matters far more than the specific method you use.

Becoming the parent you truly are: authentic and fulfilling parenting

Identifying your core parenting values

Before following any particular method, it is deeply worthwhile to ask yourself: what truly matters to me as a parent? What values do I want to pass on to my child? What kind of adult do I hope they will become? These questions may seem abstract, but they have very concrete implications for the daily choices you make.

If you value autonomy, you will naturally find it right to let your child experiment, make mistakes, and try again — even when it is slower or messy. If you value warmth and emotional connection, you will place more importance on moments of closeness and open conversation than on the strict enforcement of rules. If you value curiosity and learning, you will turn everyday walks into explorations and questions into opportunities for discovery.

Clarifying your values has another precious benefit: it helps you filter the enormous volume of parenting information and advice you are constantly exposed to. Not every piece of advice applies to every family. Some will fit naturally with who you are and who your child is; others simply will not. And it is entirely acceptable to choose what works for you and let the rest go — even if it comes highly recommended by respected experts.

Cultivating presence over perfection

One of the most common paradoxes of contemporary parenting is that parents are physically more present in their children’s lives than ever before, yet are sometimes mentally absent — planning the next activity, scrolling through their phone, or worrying about whether they are doing enough. Quality presence is not a matter of time; it is a matter of genuine attention and emotional engagement.

Studies on what researchers call “responsive parenting” consistently show that the quality of interactions matters more than their quantity. Twenty minutes of shared play, fully present, without distraction or hidden educational agenda, simply following your child’s interests with curiosity and delight, does more for their development than two hours of structured activities where your attention is divided.

The good news: this form of presence requires no budget, no training, and no special equipment. It requires putting down the phone, getting down on the floor, and letting yourself be drawn into your child’s world. It is at once simple and deeply nourishing — for both of you.

Ordinary moments are extraordinary

Research in attachment neuroscience, notably the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel, shows that a child’s brain develops within the ordinary fabric of daily life. Evening baths, car rides, family meals, morning routines: these repeated and predictable moments are what build a child’s sense of security, far more so than big outings or exceptional experiences. You do not need to create extraordinary experiences. You need to be present within ordinary ones. To your child, they are already perfectly extraordinary.

If you would like to explore how to create and preserve these precious everyday moments, discover how the Baby Journal baby diary can help you capture these fleeting instants before they fade.

Taking care of yourself to better care for your child

Compassionate parenting begins with compassion toward yourself. This is not a self-help slogan — it is a neurobiological reality. A child’s nervous system self-regulates largely through co-regulation with their parent’s. In other words, your inner calm, your ability to manage your own emotions, and your sense of competence are transmitted directly to your child. An exhausted, chronically anxious parent, or one who constantly feels inadequate, will struggle to offer the emotional co-regulation their child needs — not out of lack of love, but out of lack of resources.

Taking care of yourself is therefore not a selfish luxury. It is a parenting necessity. It might mean sleeping whenever possible, accepting help without guilt, maintaining activities that restore you, consulting a professional when you are going through a hard period, or simply carving out a few minutes of solitude each day to reconnect with yourself.

• Recognizing your own needs is the first act of conscious parenting. A parent who knows what they need can ask for it and receive it, rather than silently depleting themselves until they break.
• Accepting help is not an admission of failure. It is a wisdom that benefits the whole family. Let grandparents, friends, and childcare providers support you. No one can do it all alone.
• Nurturing your own identity, beyond the parenting role, is fundamental. You existed before becoming a parent — with passions, ambitions, and friendships. These parts of yourself should not disappear with the birth of your child: they keep you alive and interesting, for yourself and for them.
• Seeking professional support when needed is an act of courage and love for your family. Perinatal psychology, parenting support, and parent groups exist precisely because parenting is demanding, and no one should face its challenges alone.

Making peace with mistakes

You will make mistakes. Many of them. Some minor, others that will keep you awake at night replaying the scene. This is inevitable, because you are human, because parenting comes with no universal instruction manual, and because your child themselves changes constantly, always asking you to adapt to a new version of who they are.

The parenting mistake is not the problem. What matters is what you do with it. A parent who acknowledges their mistake in front of their child (“I overreacted earlier and I’m sorry”), who repairs the relational break and tries a different approach next time, offers something priceless: a living model of how to navigate difficulty with integrity. This may be the truest heart of what it means to be good parents — not someone who never errs, but someone who teaches, by example, how to rise with dignity.

For more on managing emotions in parenting and approaching conflict with your child constructively, you will find practical ideas in our article on playful activities to strengthen your bond with your child day after day.